Lupus Lessons

  1. What goes up must come down (and vice versa)

Before being diagnosed with lupus, I was in a lot of pain. Multiple doctors and traditional medicine practitioners did not know what caused it nor how to get rid of it. It was what a school teacher, Mr Dennis, said during a Dharma talk that kept me going through that dark period. “What goes up must come down”.

It resonated with me because I realized that I believed that I wouldn’t be in pain forever. I realized that I knew that I was going to find an answer, that I just had to be patient.

So, getting diagnosed was quite bittersweet. Sweet because the pain and the helplessness of the situation that the pain put me in was finally lifted. And bitter because I learned that lupus is something that I will have to live with forever. Talk about an arranged marriage.

Now that I had come up, obviously I didn’t stay there forever. For the past 4 years (Wow! It’s Lupus and mine’s 4 years anniversary!), I have gone down the roller coaster of lupus AND life more than a few times now, but with every dip, I have learned to be more patient in waiting for the good part to come. Life may suck at the moment, perhaps even more for you than the people around you, but things will get better. Sometimes it’ll take only a few days for things to start looking up, and things may look bleak when it takes up to months or even years, but just as what goes up must come down, what goes down must come up too. It’s just a matter of waiting. So while you’re at it, try to focus on the less sucky parts.

Recently, with my friends and I smack dab in the middle of the whirlpool that is IB sem 4 plus so many other changes that came with the move to TU, there have been many times where I felt really down, lonely and stuck. During those times, it feels like despite the past one and a half years that I have spent learning so much in IB, I’m still not progressing as much as I would like to and that I’m still the same person as I was before IB (in a bad way). However, it’s times like these that I have to remind myself that the things that I am doing to better myself everyday are not in vain. As long as I am working towards a better me, I am becoming a better me. No matter how fast everyone is going.


Shanghai x Hangzhou, China

I’ve only traveled to a few countries, but I knew that I love traveling even before I traveled overseas for the first time. The first time I traveled to a foreign country, I was in Bangkok, Thailand and as we landed, I remember thinking about how it feels so surreal to be on another part of the world map for once.

What appeals to me most about traveling is the fact that everything is different (with varying degrees) from what I have experienced and/or encountered before. Different places, faces, air, food, language and etc.

They say that Capricorns crave stability, but I desire for change. Being at one place for too long, literally and metaphorically (the latter most of the time), makes me feel like I’m not progressing in life. However, in the literal sense, me constantly needing change means that traveling to a foreign country after my first time there does not hold the same amount of appeal anymore, even though I enjoyed myself thoroughly while I was there. This is probably one of the reasons why I decided to visit China last December.

I never wanted to travel to China – I preferred Western countries or countries where English was the main spoken language. Call me Westernized, whitewashed or whatever is more suitable, but I never saw the appeal in visiting China.

I went anyway, possibly also because we were going to go to Disneyland (it was my first time) and I’m glad I did, although this holiday was the first one that made me wish that it would end earlier than planned.

Shanghai was, to say the least, a let-down. There were some redeeming factors, like Disneyland and Shanghai Old Street, but the rudeness of everyone there just turned me off.

Disneyland was magical; it’s that one thing you don’t think you need until you have it.

I prefer Hangzhou over Shanghai because firstly, the people were much nicer and polite. Secondly, it’s because I found the city more beautiful. Although, I’m only saying this based on the places I visited.

Overall, our accommodations were alright. We stayed at 3 different places.

  1. Joyful Star Hotel Pudong Airport, which provided free authentic Chinese breakfast that I really liked. The room and heating were really nice too.
  2. Shanghai City Central International Hostel, which had very quirky and unique decorations. It also had a mini club/bar/restaurant where a lot of backpackers and younger travelers hang out. This is my least favorite accommodation because the room was quite dirty and old, and the heating was terrible. So, it was really cold because temperatures outside dropped as low as 3 degree Celsius.
  3. Westlake 7 Service Apartments in Hangzhou. This is my favorite out of all 3 accommodations because it had a loft, it was really clean and cozy and the heating was the best. There is nothing bad I can say about this place.

The food in both Shanghai and Hangzhou were actually quite bad. They weren’t how I expected them to be (I expected food like in Din Tai Fung?? tho I’ve never been), didn’t have a lot of variety and just had a very different taste palette than what Chinese food in Malaysia has.

The best thing that I didn’t expect was the shopping. The Chinese are really fashion forward! There were a lot of trendy clothes, shoes, and accessories that weren’t exactly cheap, but the prices were reasonable enough for me to buy them because the designs that I saw there, I never saw in Malaysia. So, I bought quite a few things, which if you know me, made me really happy.

After coming home, I thought that I would never return, only because I felt that some of the people were quite rude. But now that I’m less bothered about it, I’d totally go back. That, and also you know what. 😉

Day 2; Shanghai Disneyland Resort




Sleeping Beauty’s castle

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Giant Christmas tree


Day 3; A very Chinese breakfast ft. Pa @ Joyful Star Hotel

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People’s Square, Shanghai (人民广场)

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The Bund, Shanghai (上海外滩)

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Day 4; Hangzhou (杭州)

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West Lake (西湖)


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Day 6; Old Shanghai (上海老街)




To 2018

What. A. Year. 🙂

2017 has been the best and worst year of my life. Too many moments that I want to remember, but the human mind can only take so much. Photos aren’t really that great either, electronic devices can run out of memory or just die on us anytime. Words… after going so long without reading just for pleasure, I can’t seem to find them anymore. In cases like this, lists often come to the rescue. Still, so sorry for the horrible language. I think I’ll start with a list of firsts (and some lasts marked with a *)  that happened in 2017 (in no particular order).

  1. Being in the ICU and getting a seizure*.
  2. Being in a coma (induced)*.
  3. Going clubbing.
  4. Weighing 45kg.
  5. Going and enjoying myself at a jazz festival.
  6. Watching Boorenda bb do spoken word.
  7. Wearing a long dress to prom.
  8. Doing a body shot (of water) off someone.
  9. Completing the Viper Challenge.
  10. Feeling romantic love!! (I THINK, BC IT WAS A DREAM).
  11. Ice skating.
  12. Threading my brows and getting a manicure.
  13. Buying a pair of boots.
  14. Crying over school-related matters.
  15. Shopping online.
  16. Flying (cheer) since 2012/2013.
  17. SAT test* and French oral assessment.
  18. Watching a depressed friend being suicidal.
  19. Dressing up for Halloween. (as Sandy from Grease)

Cheers to 2018. Really excited for this one. 



Whenever I used to fall sick,
Which was not very often,
I never took pills,
I trusted my immunity with all my heart,

Whenever I fall sick now,
Which was still not very often,
I take 5 new pills,
So I guess the lesson is to never fully trust,
For he took my heart and ripped it apart.



hopefully the next title will be more creative


Oct 5th

I think this is the first time I’ve felt. homesickness. Adaptability had always been my forte. Change to me was fresh, exciting and essential. Too long at one place and I start to wonder about everything else I could be doing with my life besides going round and round the endless cycle that is my daily routine.

1.11 am, Nov 2nd

i. I wanted to write more in college. I thought I would. Ha. Look at me now. The little perfectionist in me just won’t let those half-assed posts go up.

ii. I like putting together photo collages and posting them here more than on Instagram. This blog somehow feels more personal, a place where I can truly do what I want, which is not wrong, but I feel that Instagram should be like that as well. I’m working on it; trying to just do what I want to do without letting the number of likes and followers affect me.


8.05 pm, Jan 22nd

i. I remember waking up from my induced coma and the first thought that came to my mind was that I was SO hungry. In my defence, I was out for more than a couple of days, so obviously, I was going to be hungry. It could even be that the hunger was what woke me up, not a spiritual encounter with a God surrounded by a bright light guiding me to the right path, as my mother would like to believe.

ii. I’m starting to think that being in show business and being introverted are not necessarily mutually exclusive events. A person can be introverted by nature but choose to be outgoing when doing their job, eg. attending red carpet events. Or they could just not bother about being the extroverted showman, put on a good show and let their work do the talking; all for the love for their craft.

ii.i. Take Hu Yi Tian, the new love of my life as of right now. He appears quite closed off during interviews and anybody who doesn’t know him would view him as a cold person. And I’m saying this because I do feel that I can relate to him a lot. I’m not saying that I know him haha, but I know that he does have another side to him apart from this cold exterior and it comes across very clearly in the “Behind The Scenes” videos I’ve watched of him because in those moments, he was comfortable with the people around him. I wish I could know that side of him. Not just him really, I generally tend to wish that I can know celebrities in a more personal way, to be able to know them as just another human being.

ii.i. I just wanted to take note of this change in perspective because it’s making me consider the actual possibility of me venturing into showbusiness – something I’ve wanted to do since I was a little kid but always thought that I was too shy to. Maybe I’d start to actively pursue it after IB.

7.49 am, Jan 23rd

i. If there’s one thing that IOS updates have taught me, it’s that humans are very adaptable. Not everyone will like every new update, and those people might complain about the changes for the first few days, at most a week. But with a bit more time, everybody unconsciously accepts the changes as they are.

12.31 am, Jan 31st

i. I actually wrote something about my favourite quotes and songs at the moment on the 28th but somehow it didn’t save. F**cking hate when that happens. Anyway, I think what I wrote was that “New year new me” seems like a very appropriate quote to describe how I am/my life is right now because never would I thought I’d have a BTS song stuck in my head. I think the song was MAMA by BTS, but all day at college today, Best of Me by BTS was just playing repeatedly in my head. It’s not just Korean songs tho, I have been listening to some Chinese songs as well, so here’s a list of tunes I’m currently jamming to that you didn’t ask for. (The first two are from the OST of the Chinese drama that I’ll never get over, A Love So Beautiful)

  • 是夢吧 (胡一天)
  • 我多喜欢你,你会知道 (王俊琪)
  • 追光者 (岑寧兒)
  • 美 (王力宏)
  • 爱的就是你 (劉佳)
  • Wedding Dress (Taeyang)
  • MAMA, Save Me, DNA, Best Of Me, dimple, I Need U, Epilogue: Young Forever (BTS)
  • REALLY REALLY (Winner)

ii. I think I also listed some of my favourite quotes that I also try to live by.

  • Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
  • “You can trust a human being with grief.”, Kate Baestrup.
  • Have courage and be kind.
  • Live and let live.

iii. I was feeling a bit lonely last night trying to do my Physics IA at the ULounge because N wasn’t with me. I know it’s nobody’s fault, and it isn’t even a big deal, working alone, especially for me because I know that I like being and working alone more often than not. But I think living in my own room and being in such a big campus (comparatively to Taylor’s Sri Hartamas) has made me realize that I can get quite lonely after being alone for some time. So, things have been up and down and last night wasn’t completely down but it wasn’t in the middle either.

iii.i. Unexpectedly, today was quite a good day because 1) I got my lush masks from Adam which I tried out just now. THEY WERE AMAZING. 2) I rejoiced at the discovery of the chap fan. 3) I got accepted into the University of Minnesota. Not my top choice, but it’s a great feeling knowing that you didn’t get rejected.

iii.ii. Although, in spite of all that, I still feel a bit down and I notice that I have been in this state for a couple of weeks. I wonder how Kpop stans handle all those emotions that come with loving and supporting their biases so much. Supporting Justin wasn’t like this. I didn’t feel sad underneath all the time.

11.27 pm, Jan 31st

There’s something comforting and loneliness-fighting in a friend’s silent presence.



Echoes within the echo

I have learned
To be careful and
Not to get my hopes up,
For he has never been satisfied
With what he has taken from me

I know that he will be back
It is just
A matter of how, where and when
Before another part of me
Became his.


Sem 2 and what not

So if you didn’t know yet (although I wouldn’t blame you as I never really publicly announced my enrollment bc I didn’t want to come across as arrogant bc I’m only doing this programme bc of the JPA bursary wow that’s a lot of bc) , I’m currently feeling my way through Sem 2 of the IBDP at TCSH.

There, I said it. Lol.

Why I said ‘feeling my way’ is bc I’ve come up with sort of a metaphor on how progressing into Sem 2 is. Sem 1 is like walking into a brightly-lit room for the first time. Everything you see is new and fresh and exciting and it’s easy to move around (brightly-lit) bc there’re teachers and seniors to show you the way. And there’s nothing hidden, everything’s clear and direct, from lessons to new friendships.

And then Sem 2 starts and it’s like someone just flicked the light switch off. Suddenly, it’s pitch black as acronyms and terms (IAs,EEs, datelines, research question,manage your time) increasingly make their way into your hearing range. But even as you hear more of them, you still have no idea what to do with/about them and at this time, your eyes haven’t adjusted to the lack of light in the room so you’re taking baby steps with your hands outstretched.

As time passes and these acronyms and terms become almost like a dark cloud/voice that looms over your head at all times and will only disappear if you complete them, which if you’re efficient will be at the end of this year, everything that you do that does not contribute to the progress of these tasks will land you in guilt. And at this point you sort of have an idea of what you have to do to get the job done and your eyes have adjusted to the darkness so now you’re not so much in the dark anymore (aye) but none of it is clear yet.

And that’s all I have bc that’s my current situation. What a metaphor huh

Tbh this post was supposed to be about memories I can/want to rmb from high school that ended more than a year ago, if I can even rmb any. And then after I’m done with that, more posts on memories I want to rmb from college. “Whaaaaat it’s only Sem 2” you might say but that was me in Sem 1 and look how fast we got to Sem 2. With all the work rushing in like tidal waves, I bet it’ll be graduation before we even have the time to think about spending enough time tgt before parting ways.

Tho will it ever be enough

Looks like I’ll do the memories thing next time.