Lupus Lessons

  1. What goes up must come down (and vice versa)

Before being diagnosed with lupus, I was in a lot of pain. Multiple doctors and traditional medicine practitioners did not know what caused it nor how to get rid of it. It was what a school teacher, Mr Dennis, said during a Dharma talk that kept me going through that dark period. “What goes up must come down”.

It resonated with me because I realized that I believed that I wouldn’t be in pain forever. I realized that I knew that I was going to find an answer, that I just had to be patient.

So, getting diagnosed was quite bittersweet. Sweet because the pain and the helplessness of the situation that the pain put me in was finally lifted. And bitter because I learned that lupus is something that I will have to live with forever. Talk about an arranged marriage.

Now that I had come up, obviously I didn’t stay there forever. For the past 4 years (Wow! It’s Lupus and mine’s 4 years anniversary!), I have gone down the roller coaster of lupus AND life more than a few times now, but with every dip, I have learned to be more patient in waiting for the good part to come. Life may suck at the moment, perhaps even more for you than the people around you, but things will get better. Sometimes it’ll take only a few days for things to start looking up, and things may look bleak when it takes up to months or even years, but just as what goes up must come down, what goes down must come up too. It’s just a matter of waiting. So while you’re at it, try to focus on the less sucky parts.

Recently, with my friends and I smack dab in the middle of the whirlpool that is IB sem 4 plus so many other changes that came with the move to TU, there have been many times where I felt really down, lonely and stuck. During those times, it feels like despite the past one and a half years that I have spent learning so much in IB, I’m still not progressing as much as I would like to and that I’m still the same person as I was before IB (in a bad way). However, it’s times like these that I have to remind myself that the things that I am doing to better myself everyday are not in vain. As long as I am working towards a better me, I am becoming a better me. No matter how fast everyone is going.


To 2018

What. A. Year. 🙂

2017 has been the best and worst year of my life. Too many moments that I want to remember, but the human mind can only take so much. Photos aren’t really that great either, electronic devices can run out of memory or just die on us anytime. Words… after going so long without reading just for pleasure, I can’t seem to find them anymore. In cases like this, lists often come to the rescue. Still, so sorry for the horrible language. I think I’ll start with a list of firsts (and some lasts marked with a *)  that happened in 2017 (in no particular order).

  1. Being in the ICU and getting a seizure*.
  2. Being in a coma (induced)*.
  3. Going clubbing.
  4. Weighing 45kg.
  5. Going and enjoying myself at a jazz festival.
  6. Watching Boorenda bb do spoken word.
  7. Wearing a long dress to prom.
  8. Doing a body shot (of water) off someone.
  9. Completing the Viper Challenge.
  10. Feeling romantic love!! (I THINK, BC IT WAS A DREAM).
  11. Ice skating.
  12. Threading my brows and getting a manicure.
  13. Buying a pair of boots.
  14. Crying over school-related matters.
  15. Shopping online.
  16. Flying (cheer) since 2012/2013.
  17. SAT test* and French oral assessment.
  18. Watching a depressed friend being suicidal.
  19. Dressing up for Halloween. (as Sandy from Grease)

Cheers to 2018. Really excited for this one. 


Whenever I used to fall sick,
Which was not very often,
I never took pills,
I trusted my immunity with all my heart,

Whenever I fall sick now,
Which was still not very often,
I take 5 new pills,
So I guess the lesson is to never fully trust,
For he took my heart and ripped it apart.



hopefully the next title will be more creative


Oct 5th

I think this is the first time I’ve felt. homesickness. Adaptability had always been my forte. Change to me was fresh, exciting and essential. Too long at one place and I start to wonder about everything else I could be doing with my life besides going round and round the endless cycle that is my daily routine.

1.11 am, Nov 2nd

i. I wanted to write more in college. I thought I would. Ha. Look at me now. The little perfectionist in me just won’t let those half-assed posts go up.

ii. I like putting together photo collages and posting them here more than on Instagram. This blog somehow feels more personal, a place where I can truly do what I want, which is not wrong, but I feel that Instagram should be like that as well. I’m working on it; trying to just do what I want to do without letting the number of likes and followers affect me.


8.05 pm, Jan 22nd

i. I remember waking up from my induced coma and the first thought that came to my mind was that I was SO hungry. In my defence, I was out for more than a couple of days, so obviously, I was going to be hungry. It could even be that the hunger was what woke me up, not a spiritual encounter with a God surrounded by a bright light guiding me to the right path, as my mother would like to believe.

ii. I’m starting to think that being in show business and being introverted are not necessarily mutually exclusive events. A person can be introverted by nature but choose to be outgoing when doing their job, eg. attending red carpet events. Or they could just not bother about being the extroverted showman, put on a good show and let their work do the talking; all for the love for their craft.

ii.i. Take Hu Yi Tian, the new love of my life as of right now. He appears quite closed off during interviews and anybody who doesn’t know him would view him as a cold person. And I’m saying this because I do feel that I can relate to him a lot. I’m not saying that I know him haha, but I know that he does have another side to him apart from this cold exterior and it comes across very clearly in the “Behind The Scenes” videos I’ve watched of him because in those moments, he was comfortable with the people around him. I wish I could know that side of him. Not just him really, I generally tend to wish that I can know celebrities in a more personal way, to be able to know them as just another human being.

ii.i. I just wanted to take note of this change in perspective because it’s making me consider the actual possibility of me venturing into showbusiness – something I’ve wanted to do since I was a little kid but always thought that I was too shy to. Maybe I’d start to actively pursue it after IB.

7.49 am, Jan 23rd

i. If there’s one thing that IOS updates have taught me, it’s that humans are very adaptable. Not everyone will like every new update, and those people might complain about the changes for the first few days, at most a week. But with a bit more time, everybody unconsciously accepts the changes as they are.

12.31 am, Jan 31st

i. I actually wrote something about my favourite quotes and songs at the moment on the 28th but somehow it didn’t save. F**cking hate when that happens. Anyway, I think what I wrote was that “New year new me” seems like a very appropriate quote to describe how I am/my life is right now because never would I thought I’d have a BTS song stuck in my head. I think the song was MAMA by BTS, but all day at college today, Best of Me by BTS was just playing repeatedly in my head. It’s not just Korean songs tho, I have been listening to some Chinese songs as well, so here’s a list of tunes I’m currently jamming to that you didn’t ask for. (The first two are from the OST of the Chinese drama that I’ll never get over, A Love So Beautiful)

  • 是夢吧 (胡一天)
  • 我多喜欢你,你会知道 (王俊琪)
  • 追光者 (岑寧兒)
  • 美 (王力宏)
  • 爱的就是你 (劉佳)
  • Wedding Dress (Taeyang)
  • MAMA, Save Me, DNA, Best Of Me, dimple, I Need U, Epilogue: Young Forever (BTS)
  • REALLY REALLY (Winner)

ii. I think I also listed some of my favourite quotes that I also try to live by.

  • Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
  • “You can trust a human being with grief.”, Kate Baestrup.
  • Have courage and be kind.
  • Live and let live.

iii. I was feeling a bit lonely last night trying to do my Physics IA at the ULounge because N wasn’t with me. I know it’s nobody’s fault, and it isn’t even a big deal, working alone, especially for me because I know that I like being and working alone more often than not. But I think living in my own room and being in such a big campus (comparatively to Taylor’s Sri Hartamas) has made me realize that I can get quite lonely after being alone for some time. So, things have been up and down and last night wasn’t completely down but it wasn’t in the middle either.

iii.i. Unexpectedly, today was quite a good day because 1) I got my lush masks from Adam which I tried out just now. THEY WERE AMAZING. 2) I rejoiced at the discovery of the chap fan. 3) I got accepted into the University of Minnesota. Not my top choice, but it’s a great feeling knowing that you didn’t get rejected.

iii.ii. Although, in spite of all that, I still feel a bit down and I notice that I have been in this state for a couple of weeks. I wonder how Kpop stans handle all those emotions that come with loving and supporting their biases so much. Supporting Justin wasn’t like this. I didn’t feel sad underneath all the time.

11.27 pm, Jan 31st

There’s something comforting and loneliness-fighting in a friend’s silent presence.



How it all started

Scrolling, raking my eyes over the words backed/surrounded by the white light of my laptop screen, trying to process them as quick as I can because it’s getting late and there’s just SO MUCH content, too good to be put on hold for another day.

I read and read and read. And how relieved(?), glad, excited I am about how much I am able to relate to this girl. It really seems like she’s got it all figured out, sorting her posts into what those people would think are pretentious names for mere categories but got me all curious and gave me a moment of “Why didn’t I think of that?” Reading as many posts as I can, they reminded me of myself (tho I wish i was half as good of a writer as she is) and my thoughts when I first started this blog. More precisely, not the thoughts when i started this blog, but the thoughts that made me want to start this blog.

I remember. I remember that I used to think about all sorts of things that i cannot simply categorise for you right now but for further understanding, simply drop by her blog to see for yourself what i mean. And for some reason, perhaps college, maybe the dwindling of initial enthusiasm, but I haven’t been having thoughts of that sort for a while now. And getting this peek into the inner workings of her mind and heart and possibly even soul, I realised how much I miss the eagerness and uncertainty that more often than not came along with those thoughts. I would find myself wondering about random things, wondering if other people wondered about those same things, wondering if they wondered if other people wondered about the same things as they did and so the cycle continues. And i feel like this is a constant with me because I’m always playing this reverse psychology game with myself and imagining beforehand how conversations would take place. How this relates to me having those random thoughts is that I go round and round in my head about how things can play out, the possibilities are endless,really.

Back to the topic (tho I never really went off-topic, just elaborated a tad bit more than necessary), now, the reason why I started this blog in the first place fresh in my mind, I am low key excited and hopeful that more of these thoughts will come and along with them the time to pen them down.


odette | of love & truth

why do we differentiate between different types of love? I feel like unnecessary complications arise because of this categorical approach we seem to take when dissecting our emotions — the classic question: do you like him/her or like likehim/her? I hate having to organise my feelings as if they’re sostraightforward, as if emotions are scientific & rational. what is up with this societal pressure to clearly distinguish my attractions? why do I have to decide if what I’m feeling is romantic attraction or intensely platonic fondness if I can’t actually properly tell? why are there so many different types of love? can’t I just love you?

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