I think this is the first time I’ve felt. homesickness. Adaptability had always been my forte. Change to me was fresh, exciting and essential. Too long at one place and I start to wonder about everything else I could be doing with my life besides going round and round the endless cycle that is my daily routine.
1.11 am, Nov 2nd
i. I wanted to write more in college. I thought I would. Ha. Look at me now. The little perfectionist in me just won’t let those half-assed posts go up.
ii. I like putting together photo collages and posting them here more than on Instagram. This blog somehow feels more personal, a place where I can truly do what I want, which is not wrong, but I feel that Instagram should be like that as well. I’m working on it; trying to just do what I want to do without letting the number of likes and followers affect me.
8.05 pm, Jan 22nd
i. I remember waking up from my induced coma and the first thought that came to my mind was that I was SO hungry. In my defence, I was out for more than a couple of days, so obviously, I was going to be hungry. It could even be that the hunger was what woke me up, not a spiritual encounter with a God surrounded by a bright light guiding me to the right path, as my mother would like to believe.
ii. I’m starting to think that being in show business and being introverted are not necessarily mutually exclusive events. A person can be introverted by nature but choose to be outgoing when doing their job, eg. attending red carpet events. Or they could just not bother about being the extroverted showman, put on a good show and let their work do the talking; all for the love for their craft.
ii.i. Take Hu Yi Tian, the new love of my life as of right now. He appears quite closed off during interviews and anybody who doesn’t know him would view him as a cold person. And I’m saying this because I do feel that I can relate to him a lot. I’m not saying that I know him haha, but I know that he does have another side to him apart from this cold exterior and it comes across very clearly in the “Behind The Scenes” videos I’ve watched of him because in those moments, he was comfortable with the people around him. I wish I could know that side of him. Not just him really, I generally tend to wish that I can know celebrities in a more personal way, to be able to know them as just another human being.
ii.i. I just wanted to take note of this change in perspective because it’s making me consider the actual possibility of me venturing into showbusiness – something I’ve wanted to do since I was a little kid but always thought that I was too shy to. Maybe I’d start to actively pursue it after IB.
7.49 am, Jan 23rd
i. If there’s one thing that IOS updates have taught me, it’s that humans are very adaptable. Not everyone will like every new update, and those people might complain about the changes for the first few days, at most a week. But with a bit more time, everybody unconsciously accepts the changes as they are.
12.31 am, Jan 31st
i. I actually wrote something about my favourite quotes and songs at the moment on the 28th but somehow it didn’t save. F**cking hate when that happens. Anyway, I think what I wrote was that “New year new me” seems like a very appropriate quote to describe how I am/my life is right now because never would I thought I’d have a BTS song stuck in my head. I think the song was MAMA by BTS, but all day at college today, Best of Me by BTS was just playing repeatedly in my head. It’s not just Korean songs tho, I have been listening to some Chinese songs as well, so here’s a list of tunes I’m currently jamming to that you didn’t ask for. (The first two are from the OST of the Chinese drama that I’ll never get over, A Love So Beautiful)
- 是夢吧 (胡一天)
- 我多喜欢你，你会知道 (王俊琪)
- 追光者 (岑寧兒)
- 美 (王力宏)
- 爱的就是你 (劉佳)
- Wedding Dress (Taeyang)
- MAMA, Save Me, DNA, Best Of Me, dimple, I Need U, Epilogue: Young Forever (BTS)
- REALLY REALLY (Winner)
ii. I think I also listed some of my favourite quotes that I also try to live by.
- Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
- “You can trust a human being with grief.”, Kate Baestrup.
- Have courage and be kind.
- Live and let live.
iii. I was feeling a bit lonely last night trying to do my Physics IA at the ULounge because N wasn’t with me. I know it’s nobody’s fault, and it isn’t even a big deal, working alone, especially for me because I know that I like being and working alone more often than not. But I think living in my own room and being in such a big campus (comparatively to Taylor’s Sri Hartamas) has made me realize that I can get quite lonely after being alone for some time. So, things have been up and down and last night wasn’t completely down but it wasn’t in the middle either.
iii.i. Unexpectedly, today was quite a good day because 1) I got my lush masks from Adam which I tried out just now. THEY WERE AMAZING. 2) I rejoiced at the discovery of the chap fan. 3) I got accepted into the University of Minnesota. Not my top choice, but it’s a great feeling knowing that you didn’t get rejected.
iii.ii. Although, in spite of all that, I still feel a bit down and I notice that I have been in this state for a couple of weeks. I wonder how Kpop stans handle all those emotions that come with loving and supporting their biases so much. Supporting Justin wasn’t like this. I didn’t feel sad underneath all the time.
11.27 pm, Jan 31st
There’s something comforting and loneliness-fighting in a friend’s silent presence.